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Tracy Beckerman column: My magnetic personality

Tracy Beckerman
Daily Comet

Apparently magnetic eyelashes are a “thing.”

I realized this when I started getting a suspicious number of Facebook ads for magnetic false eyelashes. I thought that maybe it was just me and Facebook had determined somehow that I was eyelash-challenged and in desperate need of a solution. But then I found out that my friends were also getting the same ads, so it seemed we were a nation of eyelash-deficient women who could only be saved from this crisis by fake magnetic eyelashes.

In the ads, women applied a magnetic eyeliner on their eyelids which created a magnetic field that attracted a pair of polar opposite eyelashes. This is actually more science than anyone who buys their makeup out of a sale bin at the drugstore needs to know. Supposedly, though, this is a much easier system for applying eyelashes than the old “glue-on and hope you don’t glue your eyelids shut” method. I tried the old glue-on method once and the eyelashes came unglued, fell on my cheek, and then someone slapped me because it looked like I had a hairy caterpillar on my face.

After a while, the eyelash ads began to taper off. But then, suddenly, I started getting ads for a fortifying eyelash serum so I could grow out my own pathetic eyelashes and not have the need for magnetic ones. Not wanting to put anything potentially dangerous near my eyes (um, like magnets) I found out that the secret ingredient in this serum was … wait for it … seaweed kelp.

Now my husband had a choice between living with me 24/7 with either hairy caterpillars on my face or smelling like a fresh fish market all the time.

Wanting to make sure that I wasn’t missing the boat here, I thought maybe I should check with my husband, the one person who might actually care what my eyelashes looked like and how my face smelled.

“Hey honey,” I said. “Do you think I need better eyelashes?”

“Is that a trick question?” he asked. “Like, ‘Do these pants make me look fat?’”

“No, I just want to make sure you don’t feel let down by my skimpy lashes.”

“You have beautiful eyelashes and those pants don’t make you look fat,” he said. “Am I safe now?”

Clearly, this is not the most important issue on the planet right now, which led me to wonder why someone would think it was so essential for me to have eyelashes of any length at this moment. I’m not going to be batting them at anybody while I’m in isolation. Seriously, who am I going to impress? My dog? He has no opinion on my eyelashes whatsoever. He just wants to know when he’s going to be fed, and doesn’t care if I have fabulous eyelashes when I serve him his kibble.

With all this attention being paid to my eyelashes, I wondered if this was indicative of a larger beauty problem that had escaped my attention. Honestly, I didn’t think I was letting myself go. I still shaved my legs and did my nails and even occasionally put on some makeup when I planned to Facetime with someone and I didn’t want to scare their children if they happened to glance at the screen. So, overall, I didn’t think I needed magnetic eyelashes or eyelash seaweed serum. What I did need to do was have a talk with customer service at Facebook and tell them they should focus on what’s really important.

My eyebrows.

You can follow Tracy on Twitter @TracyBeckerman and become a fan on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage.