Border Crossings: You'll laugh out loud at Jetlag guides

In the last Border Crossings I introduced several favorite travel guide series.

This week I’ll share a series that didn’t quite fit into my previous discourse: the Jetlag Travel Guides, “for the undiscerning traveller.”

Through the Jetlag series you’ll get intimate glimpses into several fascinating, off-the-beaten-path and completely fictitious nations. They are, in fact, hysterically on-target parodies of typical travel guidebooks.

The first Jetlag guide, published in Australia in 2003, visits Molvanîa in Eastern Europe, “a land untouched by modern dentistry.”

In 2004, authors Santa Cilauro, Tom Gleisner and Rob Sitch whisked us off to the exotic Southeast Asian nation of Phaic Tân (“sunstroke on a shoestring”).

Then in 2006 we joined the trio on a visit to San Sombrèro in Central America, “a land of carnivals, cocktails and coups.”

I read Molvanîa on a plane ride and disturbed passengers around me by laughing out loud and shaking the row of seats in convulsions of hysteria. I’ve since learned that Jetlag guides need to be consumed in small doses to avoid aching sides a swollen laugh muscles.

Here’s an overview each Jetlag guide.

Molvanîa

“Birthplace of the polka and whooping couch.” Major cities include the capital Lutenblag, Cist, Potti, Upchuk, Drizl, Smogalurt, Stennch and Bumkrak. Traditional drink: zeerstum (garlic brandy).

Dining tip: Go to the Fzovrezec Steak Cave in Sasava on weekends to hear local folk musicians play the zamfir, “described by one visitor as a cross between a gypsy violin and a rusty car door.”

Crime warning: Beware of pickpockets at railways stations.

“If something does go missing the best thing to do is look for a Guarjda Civilje [civil guard]. Chances are he will be the person who stole it.”

Previews in the back for (unpublished) Jetlag guides include Getting Around the Tofu Islands in the South Satay Sea, “the twin islands of Mellaria and Rumpapumpaam.”

Phaic Tân

The inside flap proclaims, “Jetlag Travel would like…to thank the peace-loving and liberal-minded people of Phaic Tân and, in particular, their government, whose wisdom and sound stewardship have rightly earned them the respect of the international community.

“Now may our editorial staff and photographer be released?”

In the capital Bumpattabumpah, “all car horns have cruise control, set to go off every 10 seconds.”

Useful traveler’s phrases on the inside back flap include these when you visit a market:

Chãk bual xyong trahok? (Where is the fruit?); Chãk bual suvénihr yuong? (Where is the souvenir shop?); and Chãk bual mah pohol? (Where is my wallet?).

San Sombrèro

¡Olé! You know you’re off on a fun adventure when the key to the pictograms that describe sights and services requires separate pictograms for “cemetery” and “mass grave.”

San Sombrèro’s provinces include Guacomala and Polluçión, in the latter of which you’ll find the capital, Cucaracha City. Other cities include Deodorantes, Intoxicaçion, San Burito, El Dorito, Nicotiño, Puerto Flirto and Riccimartinique.

Must-sees: the Tomb of the Unpaid Soldier in Nicotiño, and Madame Tussaud’s Brazilian Wax Museum in the beach resort Aquazura.

As for getting around, the guide warns, “public transport can be confusing as the city displayed on the front of a bus is often not its destination but, in fact, the birthplace of its driver.”

Bonus: The pull-out Hot Guide tells you “what’s hot and what’s not” when you plan your world travels.

First under “Bars & Cafés” is Café Condescendo in Venice, where “getting in is not hard but getting served can sometimes take a day. The bar staff is renowned as the rudest in Europe and will make absolutely no attempt to understand English, despite the fact that most of them speak it fluently.”

The Jetlag guides are available on Amazon.com. Do not try to read them after recent hernia surgery, lest you pop your sutures.